Fear

I had overthinking took over myself these past few days and I generally went into deep slumber after getting my a few days holiday right before I started back to work again. Being at home alone, really puts my mind to all sorts of imagination and wild thoughts of myself about everything that happens in life. I can't stop it soo I just go on with my twisted head and eventually, I beginning to really identify what are my fears in life.

Everybody is at least afraid of something whether be a ghost, a failure, heights, or even something thats completely different from anybody elses. I had lots of fear and trust me they are all self-related fears that sometimes engulf me into deep thoughts.

I come to know that I fear of losing someone/somebody I cherishes the most. Yes! A loved one. I was afraid of losing that. For someone who didn't really get to experience being in a relationship, I found myself to be devastated that I do. I had lost someone who I thought the world of before. Someone who I thought would stay with me for the rest of my life. Someone who could never break a trust. Someone who I thought were as innocent as they looks. All of that, I lost all of that. I thought that such things like getting heartbroken or getting betrayed only happen in those melodramas but then I was enlightened that they really do exist. I was such a fool.

Of course getting through the whole process was never such an easy task. I had zero appetite for 2 straight weeks and my mind was like on a different realm on its own. I skipped work for a few days without reason. I didn't really talk to anybody. I was losing weight drastically cause of no appetite and my mind was never at ease. I cried soo much in front of my solat asking if I ever did something wrong that God made me endure so much pain and despair.

I played sad songs every single day on my piano while shedding tears reflecting that what I have done that was soo wrong. My face were so bloated and black wrinkles and marks starting to appear under my eyes cause of lack of sleep. The only food I ate was all Instant noodles of different flavor. One day, I felt that my hands and legs were shaking uncontrollably when I woke up from sleep. It was so weird and it felt so wrong that I rush to nearby restaurant to get some rice to eat.

It stopped eventually. It was such a scary experience that I began reflecting again on my pathetic self. I began to man up a little bit and slowly forgetting the whole breaking-up thing. It was hard since there were so much to remember but Alhamdulillah I manage to go through the whole process on my own. During that course of moving on, I come to realise that it was my own expectation that just destroys me from the inside. I expect too much from someone who is not even worth my time. I blindly trust people without finding out their background and I was putting so much love and effort for someone who barely cares about me.

However, I learned my lesson now and I guess the new me was prepared for such circumstances if it were ever to take place again. I am happy and much more grateful now, and I knew I will lasts but I am still afraid especially to think if such things to take place again. It pains me to just imagine it. Ughhh! Overthinking please go away.

Introvert

I believe having a healthy mind is a top priority at least for myself. A healthy mind leads to a healthy life and to be at peace with yourself is what I believe to be our goal during the limited time we have on this planet but in order to achieve a healthy mind, you must first understand how your specific one works and accepting that you may be different from others, which I felt is 100% okay. I am an introvert or at least I believe I fall somewhere in that category. Not to be confused with antisocial or be simplified as shyness, introversion can be misinterpreted by those who are unaware of it and by no means am I an expert on this topic. I'm just hyper self-aware and this is what I know.

To understand introversion and its counterpart, extroversion, you must see it as a result of what drains and recovers your energy. Introverts lose energy from being around people for long periods and recharge their energy by spending time alone. Extroverts are the opposite where they tire from being alone and recharge by being social is very rare to be strictly one or the other. We all fall at different ranges on the spectrum. I enjoy being alone.

Well not all the time but I have lots of hobbies that can be done alone and those times in solitude are a great way for me to reflect on myself in whatever current obstacles. I'm trying to overcome whether it be relationship matters career matters ideas for new blog posts. I enjoy just thinking about things. If you ever hang out with me and notice that I'm just staring blankly at your elbow and you ask me.

" Hey dude, whatcha thinking about? " 

and I reply..

" Nothing "

I probably mean I forgot because I have been so deep in mental isolation that I can't figure out how to verbalize my thoughts.

Why do killer whales get the killer prefix when so may other sea animals are predators as well? Don't most fish kill and eat other fish below their food chain? Hey fun facts, killer whales are not even whales, they're dolphins dowh!

" Why do people leave mean comments on social medias? " 

It might be because they are damaged in some way and are using you as an outlet to project those insecurities or they lack the empathy to understand the emotional consequences of their words and anonymity on the internet gives them a false sense of invincibility a taste of the nectar unavailable to them in the real world.

" I like this girl. Why doesn't she like me back? " 

Its maybe because your self entitlement has blinded you from understanding that it is not your place to complain about people criteria for attraction and that romantic reciprocity is never guaranteed. You just ain't got the sauce, accept it.

See? These things on my mind are what I meant. I mean yes I enjoy having company and being around others as well, but there are things about isolation that I just appreciate. Some of you might not understand the appeal because you may directly correlate seclusion with loneliness. If you are alone, you must be lonely and being lonely is bad.

That's not true at all.

You can be in a dense population and still feel lonely. Growing up I found myself in all sorts of groups and situations where I felt lonely despite being surrounded by people. Physical loneliness versus mental loneliness. To be alone doesn't mean you are lonely. Loneliness is just a result of one's negative perception of being alone, but introverts flipped that mindset and take on a positive perspective on it.

I prefer to do a lots of things alone. I grew up playing video games and while many games are made for people to enjoy with others. I find great value in single players games like God of War, Metal Gear Solid, Half Life, Dark Souls, Call of Duty, Final Fantasy and etc.

I have a habit of disappearing from the world for a few days. Sometimes weeks because I become so immersed in the world of the games that I play. I find myself playing a lot of online games this way where although its encouraged to be played with others. I often choose to be a lone wolf and experiences the game solo while still appreciating the seldom interactions with other players. I value the freedom of being alone not having to worry about the others and only myself.

As selfish as it sounds the only burdens you can bear are only limited to your own. A lot of online multiplayer games encourage teamwork and its necessity to overcome certain trials or enemies. But I find it very fulfilling to discover that solo players are able to achieve the same feats by themselves. There's nothing more thrilling than witnessing an underdog achieve what others believe that they couldn't on their own. Taking this a step back, I see this reflect how I act in the real world. I like venturing out and achieving things on my own

It helps me discover and understand things about what I can do and what I am incapable of doing and need improvement on. And those are lessons I could only learn by being my own teacher. My mind is at peace when things make sense or at least when its reasonable for things to be the way they are. They don't necessarily have to be beneficial. I just seek closure through rationality.

Why do I have a surplus of chins? Because I have a declining metabolism and my eating and exercise habits are inconsistent due to lack of self-discipline. I am at peace with it for now.

I may be too self-critical at times, but I feel that's it's necessary so that I can grow as a person. It's easy to look at others and make judgments based on our perspectives. But rarely are people able to reflect on themselves failing to see their own faults and often failing to see their own beauty as well. Learn to both criticize and appreciate yourself so that you can continuously develop a better you.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Thanks for reading~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opah

During the course of raya Eidulfitri, our family went beraya at my mum's side which is at Johor. Kluang. This year we had the priviledge to go to the old house of my late grandma. It was still in good condition eventho its left with old furniture and some other old stuffs inside of the house. We pay her a visit to her grave and went to the house for a family gathering.

Anyhow, the place or the house to be exact, is nice and as we are cleaning the dust around the area, I opened some of the old stash inside of the house. I found myself some really old photos, diaries and some photo album of my late grandma. Some of them are funny and some are interesting and it does brings some nostalgic feeling of the 90-s.

My Auntie when she was in Japan, lets be honest here, I thought that was the oven glove

Hahaha..

A simple panoramic picture of my aunt and some heartfelt message

The gift from my cousin to Opah

Hahaha, this was the funniest I guess. Mainly because my cousin, the girl who wrote this is all grown-up already. There even some sign over there. Whats funny is that, my grandma didn't really write anything at the book despite receiving it to write diaries. 

Her days when she was a teacher.. I think it was during Teacher's day 

Opah loves to collect scented candles, potpourri, and those doorgift from various wedding ceremonies. Soo basically this is her collection stash.

My Aunt with Opah.

I found this lovely photo frame of her grandchildrens at that time. If it were to include present time, maybe they had to add more faces in there. I'll be honest not much people recognize me in this. Hoho

I had planned to write this ever since Raya Eidulfitri this year, but something came up, and it kept me away from my blogs for sometime. My lappy basically had its screen cracked and I didnt really have enough money to fix it. But worry not, cuz now I am fine and I'm on my way of getting it fixed.

My Opah as far as I knew her is really an admirable person. During her youthful days, she was a famous ustazah at her school. She was well-known cuz her students are all very good in that particular subject she's teaching. She is knowledgeable, kind, generous, loving, and always full of advise. I always happy during her presence. There aren't much woman family members in the family tree, so having her around made us felt comfortable. 

She was always the type who share lots of her stories during her glory days. Sharing stories of her late husband, how he was always by her side before she was left widowed. It was always wonderful to hear her share her experiences. There are just many moral stories to be taken. It was fun

I remembered that one time she was sick at her house, we went visiting her. She always ask me of how I always been and how are my studies when she was around. I was always the one that usually asked for advice how to do this and that.

What I love of her is that she always seems to know when I have a problem. I'm not sure how but she seems to be able to read me inside out when nobody can, that includes my parents as well. I told my grandma lots of secrets tho and writing this kinda made me feel sad to think that now shes no longer here. 

So far, I am very comfortable when I'm with Opah cuz she is a very good listener. There are not much people who are as good as her. Unfortunately, she passed away in her 60ties due to fibroid cancer. She has been fighting it for years and she eventually won the fight, but the aftermath is just too much for a women of her age to handle. May Allah grants her Jannatul Firdaus, paradise in the afterlife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Al-Fatihah~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~