Recurring Dreams

Hi! *blows off dust* 😮

How's it going? Its been almost 2 years since I last posted on the blog and honestly I can't believe how long that is 😔 I even noticed at my blog statistics showing how I lost lots of followers on the blog before and still I am sorry for not posting as often. I am quite busy with life and ever since the pandemic hits, 😔 it took as much toll to me similar to most people, but still rest assured that I am well. I got my vaccine a few weeks ago and 2nd dose soon to follow later this Wednesday. 😉

I am not so sure how to put this into but I am having this recurring nightmares for years now. It has something to do during my diploma days and I can't seem to move on from it. 😒 I mean I do move on from it in real life since its just a phase but the nightmares kept coming to me occasionally at least once every month. 😰 

Every time the dream came, I was filled with emptiness, regrets and feeling of being left alone in a world where nobody was there for me no matter how hard I tried to reach to anybody. 😭😣 It was by far the darkest and the worst phase of my life that I have ever experienced and I sincerely hope that I wont experienced something similar to that ever again. Now it seems like I did unconsciously, reliving it again and again in a dream. 😭 

Even though, it isn't real but to experience it again in your dreams occasionally every month felt like a torture. I'm beginning to think that there are "theme" in that dreams of mine since I always felt like someone saying things like :

" Don't you regret not finishing what you started? " 

" You are nothing but a failure to everyone "

" If only you are better at that time, you will probably better now "

" You are screwed for the rest of your life now "

😰 When I woke up from it, I can feel that my hands have a slight tremble and my heartbeat races fast as if you just got escaped from something that's haunting. 😔 I have been having these for years now. I want to do right by it someday but at my age now I don't think its good to go backwards and besides not all mistakes need to be made amends of. I know that in some point of our life, we all make mistakes and trust me I learnt a lot from this one as I move on.

But when we are talking about dreams and past regrets, there is really nothing, I can do. 😕 I cant just force myself to not dream of it. I would have done it years ago if I can but I cant. I mean who can? Right? 😐😑 Haih, I told my some of my closest friends before about it but I do not disclose it being specific. I expect I would get some answers that is ya know, something acceptable or soothing but it seems that I was being blamed for not being religious enough. 

Things like :

" Mesti kau tido tak baca doa "👀

" Ni mesti ko balik malam-malam, tak basuh kaki, basuh muka "😔

" Rumah ko berhantu nii, ko pindah jer la senang cite "😒

" Mesti ko tak itu, mesti ko tak ini"

I am tired to hear such things and I do however tell this to my GF but even she didn't respond much to my problem and I'm pretty much sure she felt this thing as a thing that is not as important as other stuffs. I don't blame her tho, there's much more things to worried about. 😟

Maybe it was my mistake ya know?😷

My mistake of projecting my concerns to other people other than myself. I guess things like this, I should just settle it alone and hope that my inner-demon and my overthinking brain to stop destroying myself from the inside. 

Bye 2019! Welcome 2020.

2019 has been quite a year and for once I think I made quite good progress towards my life goals. Some were somewhat late and took super long time to do but nevertheless I am happy that I did it. Last time I didn't really make any great progress towards it since the road has been tough and there is so much things caught along the way and of course! procrastination (entirely my fault) but now I manage to do it this time!! Wuuhooo!!. I think I made a list of what I did , just so that I keep tabs on these things

2019

Met & date the love of my life multiple times in a year.

Manages my free time and carefully plan for upcoming events

Remember important dates ( birthdays )

Manage to handle troublesome students professionally.

Voicing out ideas and speak up if there is a wrong doing

Give charity & Sedekah 3 times a week constantly

Handle my overthinking appropriately (but sometimes loses it)

Expressing my emotions and speak of the truth most of the time

Staying true to the rules and SOP all the time
Bought a new phone.

Bought a new car.

Bought a new gaming laptop.

Talk in a soft tone and less yelling most of the time

Learning new things regarding work for career advancements

Helping surveying places for work-opportunity

Handle troublesome work mates 

Understand the psychology of certain people and their views on stuffs

Do a bit more housework than usual.

Have a back-up savings for wedding-related stuffs

Respect and understand people in their tough situations

Love myself more even though people condemning behind my back

Making notes and reminders for future reference

Keeping my water intake stable

&

Finally!

Making everyone I love, happy and delightful

Behind every successful person, theres people who kept giving support whenever they are down. As for me, I have my family and my ever-so-lovely girlfriend who never got bored supporting whenever I needed advice or a shoulder-to-cry on. They have always wanted the best for me and I am eternally grateful to them.

And of course!! My ( insert super cute words here ) beautiful sweetheart.. yeah saja nak letak sebab its not complete without a selfiee! :P

I just hope 2020 will be more meaningful than 2019. Nevertheless, I am thankful to Allah for His blessings and I sure hope I will be able to be better person than what I once was. May all of my readers here gets the blessing of Allah and I wish you goodluck! 2020 wehhhh!!

Sekejab jer kan?

Meaning of Life?

Hey guys!

I'm just going to get straight to the point by asking the simplest question you can ask a person.

So many people young and old have a tough time answering that question, but wouldn't you think that should be the first thing that we figure out? The purpose of our life. The reason why we're doing everything that we're doing. There's no right or wrong, everyone can have their own answers but to me the meaning if life is

I really believe that everything that we do throughout our lives is because we think its either make us happier or less unhappy than if we didn't do it. Even things we didn't wanna do, like study for a test all night. You're not gonna gain happiness from studying. Nobody likes studying unless some kind of a weird nerd.

You do it because you know it'll eventually lead you to happiness just like everything else that we do. Studying will help you pass the test and you'll be a lot happier if you pass rather than when you fail. Passing a test will lead to better grades. Better grades leads to better colleges. Better colleges increase your chances to secure a better job and makes more money, so you get a nicer car, a nicer house or eat at a fancy restaurants, whatever you wanna do later in life

Everyone does what they do because they think they're gonna make their overall life better than if they didn't do it. The reason why I bring these up and why I think its so important to understand the meaning of life is because life is gonna be more and more hectic when you go off on your own.

There's gonna be so many more things that you have to think about when you never think about as a kid. There's gonna be time when you get so overwhelmed by everything that you might get to the point that you'll consider of taking suicide as an option. Hah! I know I have. That's because life is like a box of chocolates. They can be sweet, they can be bitter and sometimes can get a little nutty oh and also the more you get into it, the fatter you get as well. (hahaha)

These low points of your life is gonna happen at some point if you wanna grow as a person. Maybe not to the point of considering suicide but just know that if it does get to that point, (hopefully not la kan) that, its not happening for no reason and there's can still be benefit from it. If you survive and figure your way out of that situation and that mind set, you have the mental strength to be able to deal anything in the future. You cant acquire that kind of strength without going extreme adversity. Its like a Saiyan from Dragonball. The more you beat up a Saiyan without killing him, the stronger he gets when he recovers.

I watch a lot of those all those successful individuals online because I had no idea what possible advice I can give to my students and I want to get an idea of what those famous people are talking about. A common theme that kept coming up that they were all giving advice on how to strive for greatness or how to reach your goals or how to become successful, like they are.

Its inspiring and true it is because they were telling you how they were like you when they were younger and they weren't anybody special and they do fail over and over and over before they found any success. I definitely agree with that message 100%  and like I mentioned earlier, you gonna have low points. Failure is a part of life, whether its a job interview or becoming a parent, or starting a family. Whatever it is, you're going to fail. I completely agree with that.

A lot of those speeches were very inspiring and they are helpful to help you reach what our society defines as "success" but before we figure out how to reach success in life. Shouldn't we at least try to figure out what success in life is? We spent so much time thinking about all these goals and dreams that we've had since were little kids and how we are gonna reach that goal. Sometimes we get too distracted that we forget why we're trying to strive for them in the first place. You can set and go after all the goals you want in life but its all leads back to the same thing, the meaning of life,

 " HAPPINESS "

That should be your primary, number one goal and everything else should come after. I know this will sound obvious, cliche and easier-said-than-done at times, but I personally think it's very important to have that at the back of your mind and keep reminding yourself that way when you start to stray from it, you'll recognize it. You'll be surprised, how many people including myself focus so much on how to reach individual goals or what our society defines as "success" that we don't even realize that we're not happy anymore and most of the time, that unhappiness is caused by ourselves. Its fixable but we don't even recognize it.

We get so caught up, chasing after these goals and stress ourselves out so much to the point that we're miserable but yet we just suck it up and we just keep going because we think that once we finally reach these goals then all the stress and unhappiness is gonna go away. Now I can tell you from personal experiences, that's not how it works.

If you're not happy with your life on your journey to your end goal, you're most likely not gonna be happy even after you reach it. Its like playing a video game. You don't play video game that you hate just because you think that you will be happy once you finally beat it. Its almost the exact opposite of that. The best part of the game is the journey. The moment you beat it. The fun is over, but its exactly that. The moment of "happiness" and that feeling will fade once the end credits comes rolling by. Then you're bored its time for a new game.

My point is don't let society point of definition dictate your goals and dreams. I personally think that it doesn't matter if you never reach any your goals or accomplished any one of your dreams. If you enjoy your journey, don't waste your time playing the game that makes you miserable just because you saw the glorified trailers whenever you finishes the game or because you saw all the hype around it.

If you're not having fun playing it, you're not getting anymore fun just because you beat the game. There's a lot of other games out there and the night is still young. You guys have the time. Find the game that's meant for you and have fun playing it. That's the whole purpose of playing the game. That's the whole purpose of this whole journey. That's the purpose of life.

Hope you guys have a wonderful journey!!

" Sincerely from Sam Rahmat "