Fear

I had overthinking took over myself these past few days and I generally went into deep slumber after getting my a few days holiday right before I started back to work again. Being at home alone, really puts my mind to all sorts of imagination and wild thoughts of myself about everything that happens in life. I can't stop it soo I just go on with my twisted head and eventually, I beginning to really identify what are my fears in life.

Everybody is at least afraid of something whether be a ghost, a failure, heights, or even something thats completely different from anybody elses. I had lots of fear and trust me they are all self-related fears that sometimes engulf me into deep thoughts.

I come to know that I fear of losing someone/somebody I cherishes the most. Yes! A loved one. I was afraid of losing that. For someone who didn't really get to experience being in a relationship, I found myself to be devastated that I do. I had lost someone who I thought the world of before. Someone who I thought would stay with me for the rest of my life. Someone who could never break a trust. Someone who I thought were as innocent as they looks. All of that, I lost all of that. I thought that such things like getting heartbroken or getting betrayed only happen in those melodramas but then I was enlightened that they really do exist. I was such a fool.

Of course getting through the whole process was never such an easy task. I had zero appetite for 2 straight weeks and my mind was like on a different realm on its own. I skipped work for a few days without reason. I didn't really talk to anybody. I was losing weight drastically cause of no appetite and my mind was never at ease. I cried soo much in front of my solat asking if I ever did something wrong that God made me endure so much pain and despair.

I played sad songs every single day on my piano while shedding tears reflecting that what I have done that was soo wrong. My face were so bloated and black wrinkles and marks starting to appear under my eyes cause of lack of sleep. The only food I ate was all Instant noodles of different flavor. One day, I felt that my hands and legs were shaking uncontrollably when I woke up from sleep. It was so weird and it felt so wrong that I rush to nearby restaurant to get some rice to eat.

It stopped eventually. It was such a scary experience that I began reflecting again on my pathetic self. I began to man up a little bit and slowly forgetting the whole breaking-up thing. It was hard since there were so much to remember but Alhamdulillah I manage to go through the whole process on my own. During that course of moving on, I come to realise that it was my own expectation that just destroys me from the inside. I expect too much from someone who is not even worth my time. I blindly trust people without finding out their background and I was putting so much love and effort for someone who barely cares about me.

However, I learned my lesson now and I guess the new me was prepared for such circumstances if it were ever to take place again. I am happy and much more grateful now, and I knew I will lasts but I am still afraid especially to think if such things to take place again. It pains me to just imagine it. Ughhh! Overthinking please go away.