How's it going? Its been almost 2 years since I last posted on the blog and honestly I can't believe how long that is 😔 I even noticed at my blog statistics showing how I lost lots of followers on the blog before and still I am sorry for not posting as often. I am quite busy with life and ever since the pandemic hits, 😔 it took as much toll to me similar to most people, but still rest assured that I am well. I got my vaccine a few weeks ago and 2nd dose soon to follow later this Wednesday. 😉
I am not so sure how to put this into but I am having this recurring nightmares for years now. It has something to do during my diploma days and I can't seem to move on from it. 😒 I mean I do move on from it in real life since its just a phase but the nightmares kept coming to me occasionally at least once every month. 😰
Every time the dream came, I was filled with emptiness, regrets and feeling of being left alone in a world where nobody was there for me no matter how hard I tried to reach to anybody. 😭😣 It was by far the darkest and the worst phase of my life that I have ever experienced and I sincerely hope that I wont experienced something similar to that ever again. Now it seems like I did unconsciously, reliving it again and again in a dream. 😭
Even though, it isn't real but to experience it again in your dreams occasionally every month felt like a torture. I'm beginning to think that there are "theme" in that dreams of mine since I always felt like someone saying things like :
" Don't you regret not finishing what you started? "
" You are nothing but a failure to everyone "
" If only you are better at that time, you will probably better now "
" You are screwed for the rest of your life now "
😰 When I woke up from it, I can feel that my hands have a slight tremble and my heartbeat races fast as if you just got escaped from something that's haunting. 😔 I have been having these for years now. I want to do right by it someday but at my age now I don't think its good to go backwards and besides not all mistakes need to be made amends of. I know that in some point of our life, we all make mistakes and trust me I learnt a lot from this one as I move on.
But when we are talking about dreams and past regrets, there is really nothing, I can do. 😕 I cant just force myself to not dream of it. I would have done it years ago if I can but I cant. I mean who can? Right? 😐😑 Haih, I told my some of my closest friends before about it but I do not disclose it being specific. I expect I would get some answers that is ya know, something acceptable or soothing but it seems that I was being blamed for not being religious enough.
Things like :
" Mesti kau tido tak baca doa "👀
" Ni mesti ko balik malam-malam, tak basuh kaki, basuh muka "😔
" Rumah ko berhantu nii, ko pindah jer la senang cite "😒
" Mesti ko tak itu, mesti ko tak ini"
I am tired to hear such things and I do however tell this to my GF but even she didn't respond much to my problem and I'm pretty much sure she felt this thing as a thing that is not as important as other stuffs. I don't blame her tho, there's much more things to worried about. 😟
Maybe it was my mistake ya know?😷
My mistake of projecting my concerns to other people other than myself. I guess things like this, I should just settle it alone and hope that my inner-demon and my overthinking brain to stop destroying myself from the inside.
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