Crushes

I think back then as a kid, I was brainwashed into thinking that I needed to be romatically attracted to someone. My classmates would be like..

" Hey Sam, who do you like? "

" Uhh, why? "

" I'll tell you who I like if you tell me who you like "

I'm thinking I don't necessarily like anyone in particular but for this transaction to go through I guess I needed to name someone. As a kid most of us haven't really had much time to know a lot of people, so my choices were limited to pretty much whoever was in my school, more specifically in my classrooms.

" Uhhh.. entah la, Dhia kot? "

" Ooooo!! Aku bagitau dia nanti ehhhh "

" Eh jab! Ko suka sapa pulak? Adoi nyesal bagitau "

So as a kid, I thought it was mandatory to just have someone in mind to admire. Obviously when you're young, you don't exactly know yet of what you personal criteria is of why you like someone. Growing up, you developed these things based on experiences and overtime you tend to narrow your taste down to a certain traits that a person must have in order for you to be interested. Like do they have a sense of humor, do they like animals, do they play video games, are they as weaboo as you, do they have a self esteem issue that forces them to undermine others in order to validate themselves under self worth...

Its up to you to determine these things so that if you were to pursue someone with those traits, then its safe to assume that you probably get along which is in my opinion is they key to a long lasting relationship. Despite that, when we were kid, lets be honest, we were shallow assholes.

"Kenapa suka Amirul?"

"Entah la, sebab dia baik and bagi saya pinjam pensel dia kot"

"Kenapa suka Shuhada?"

"Entah la, sebab dia cantik dan baik kot"

Like I said, shallow haha

When I was a kid, I tend to like the popular girls, not that cliche, bratty, everyone-is-trashed-beneath my-feet mean girls, but to girls that most guys have a crush on.

Afifah was the first one aside on all of them. I think it was around standard 3. She is a prefect at the time and looks like a naturally-born leader. She was that girl who looks kinda average but her knowledge about studies at the time was beyond imaginary. Somehow at that point, everything about her seems so beautiful which made my heart flutter at the time. Hahaha. Anyway, despite being in the same class, we rarely talks to each other. I was always the shy type of guy who afraid to be the 1st one to start a conversation and because of that we didn't really get to talk much during primary school. As time passed by, she got promoted to a higher class and I was left alone thinking that girls like her was way out of my league. Funny thing is that we were still good friends till now ^_^.

But that doesnt stop me from crushing on another girl... Hahaha

Khairunnisa was both an intelligent beauty and the sporty girl in the class. I think this was around standard 5 to 6? Im not sure myself. I don't really have a reason to talk to her, so I'm just admire her from a far. I remember that one time where the teacher had us read the textbook out loud to the class and once, it was Nisa's turn I gave her like 200% percent of my attention. As she was reading I was following along, I came across a word that I have never seen, but when she got to the word, " Fahrenheit ", she read it with no hesitance and I was so surprised and impressed which further my attraction to intelligence.

You guys must be wondering..

 " Err Come on, Sam takkan la Fahrenheit pon tak tau? "

Okay la...

" Dude, I was 11 at the time and the rest of the world guna " Celcius " okay? Gimme a break! Haha "

Eventually when I realised that I had zero chances with Khairunnisa, I developed a crush on another girl. .

 " Norlila "

Lila was an another intelligent beauty in the class. Everytime our monthly exam, there was always her name within the top 5 in the class. I always asked her and she cheerfully willing to help me in every question that I asked her about studies. I kinda had more interactions with her since we are kinda in the same group of friends who studies together whenever theres a group work by the teachers. Later on, we all find out that she had a crush on Syafiq Daniel who was also one of my friends. You think I'll be upset or jealous of Syafiq Daniel, but looking back.. Syafiq Daniel was a pretty good-looking guy and also not a douchebag so, yeah good choice, not bad, no big deal. I got over it pretty quick.

After that point on, I was on my own and pretty much ignore all the feelings to anyone that I had and tried to focus entirely on my studies. I had a resolution on that particular day, in which I thought that I was in a wrong kind of zone to involve in love. Besides my physical looks at that time didn't manage to captivate anybody since I'm such a fat-ass back then. Ughh Hate it soo much...

After that, I was thinking so deep that I put myself into assumption that what would it affect me if I get into relationship into someone at that particular age. The feeling however didnt fade away. The feeling to be felt loved and wanted is something that happened to everyone. Its a terrible feeling but I guess its normal. I suppose I should pet myself in the back for surviving such a harsh phase in my life. Wooohooo

Oh speaking about crushes, let us all listen to David Archuleta - Crush. One of my favourite song of all time. :D

Short eh?

I have been short for literally my whole life, so its really nothing new for someone to tease me about it.

" Hey, I'm Syahmi, just call me Sam. "

" Oh! Nice to meet you! You know you're kinda short "

" Whaa.. Whooaa.. Oh dear! When did this happened? I must been unaware of my physical appearance for the past 23 years of my life! How could I be so blind? Thank you! From the bottom of my heart, oh stranger whom I just met. Thank you for enlightening me with your brilliance and informing me of this important and highly relevant matter! I will now waste my time indulging in this epiphany that you have bestowed upon me. "

" You're welcome???? "

" Shut up! "

I used to be self-conscious about it when I was a kid and thought something was wrong with me. I had high hopes for myself and believed that I might be just a late bloomer. I wore big T's or some of my dad's Tees that were obviously too many sizes up for me because I thought it was cool and gangsta at the time but also because I believed I'd grow into them.

TLDR.. High school came and I was still short.

People teased me but I stayed confident that the day will finally come when tiny little Sam hits the prophesied growth spurt and towers over you peasants who believed there was no consequence for teasing and bullying me!!

But the prophecy was false..

I was told on average that boys stopped growing at the age of 16. Once I reached the age of 16, people start giving me a false sense of hope and said it was actually at age 18 that boys stopped growing and once I was 18 people started telling me 21?

Like seriously!?

Whaaaaat!!??

I eventually stop looking forward to a day that would never come. I never got my growth spurt and I never even grew enough to be of the average height. I remain small and membulat over the years. It was always funny when people thought it was a diet issue or physical fitness issue, but people kept saying crap like..

" Oh you just need to drink more milk, gotta get that calcium for them bones to grow! "

and I'm like....

" Bitch, I drink milk every mornin! My bones are strong but they aint growin! I ate my greens and I ate my fruits but the results just aint showin! "

Geez! Dont get me rappin guys hahaha.

Overtime, I came to embrace my short stature and it became less about tolerating it but actually cherishing myself for who I was and to be honest it's come in handy and brought me into some interesting situations over the years.

Tho Im not saying that being short is better. I hate being unable to reach things from high shelves without a stepladder or having to parkour but being shorts pretty cool in some cases, makes the world seem a little bigger and grander even if its just a few centimetres.

I dont mind being short but if I had the ability to control my size, would that make me a super hero? or a super normal? But meh, I wouldnt really fight crime with it, Ill probably just use it to mess around with people to be honest. Haha

Think Before You Speak!

Conversation are probably most important, but also delicate way we communicate with each other. What we say and how we say it affects a lot of what we intend to mean. You probably grew up with a mom and dad or any adult telling you that

" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all "

or

" Think before you speak ".

Well essentially that's what discretion is. Actually if the only thing you have to say might come off as mean, be a little careful with your wording.

" Aah la baju yang ko pakai tu, memang buat ko nampak gemok. "

" Eh, asal ko nampak kurus macam lidi doe.. bukan 2 bulan dah ke ko pergi gym? "

But I like to live by an old saying in Sufism.

Before you speak, you should let your words pass through three different gates.

1. Is it true?

2. Is it necessary?

3. Is it kind?

To be honest, this helped me a lot with interacting with other people. As kids we didn't really think about what we said. It was usually just word vomit where we played ignorant to what they meant or the impact they had on those who received it. Like those kids, who retaliate to their parents disciplining them saying things like " I hate you, mom "  and " Nak lari dari rumah lah " or some bullshit empty threats.

Look here privileged ten-year-old, I'm sorry, you got your toys taken away because you prioritized it over your other responsibilities, but you probably die out there after a day without your parents lets be honest.

Like if you are gonna run away and you meant it. You just do it. Just do it without announcement. Like if someone kidnapped you and held you for ransom and they went to the kitchen for a few minutes, you're not gonna be like..

"Hey! I hate you! If you don't set me free, I'm gonna run away! "

If you have the opportunity just freaking run!

Okay fine, maybe that's not a good analogy. Don't run away kids. Anyway..  where was I again?

Oh yeah! Discretion.

I come by a plethora of people who don't exactly think about what they say before it leaves their ugly mouth. People often get carried away with their sense of freedom of speech and disregard the consequences of their words or actions and fail to display the empathy needed for us to understand each other. Just because you CAN say it, doesn't mean you HAVE to!

Again. Is it true? Is it kind? and is it necessary?

If it fails any of these, you might want to reconsider letting it pass through but if it still manages to force its way past the gates, maybe don't be surprised if nobody likes you.

Kan kan kan kan kan kan...

A few months ago, we had a gathering between contractors company in Petronas. Its a common thing and Petronas that day held a dinner. I went there with 2 of my friends with a clerk/woman of the company being one of them. Then, after we walked by the entrance of the hall, random ballsack of a dickhead randomly comment our outfits for the dinner.

"Dah macam sakai bodo aku tgk" while staring at us up and down and then she just walked away! O_O

Of course we were like.. " wtf? " I mean geez, we don't even know that woman and out of nowhere insulting us like that. My friend was like " Dia tu dah kenapa? ". I mean do you really need to say that? Is it true? Cant confirm. Is it kind? Its an insult, hell no but of course the most important thing, is it really necessary? Hell no!

Well in the end, we act like nothing happened. My friends and I could definitely agree with each other outfits that day since its appropriate for the event and it wasn't ugly looking nor an eyesore for anybody to look at. In fact we looked great. We laughed it off and didn't really took it too serious too, since the next person we met, compliment our good looks. Perhaps that woman had a bad day and just went randomly insulting people out of nowhere. Oh well, whatever..

Obviously, its unrealistic to have our words go through all of the gates every time we speak, but overtime you kind of get the hang of it. You find out which things are appropriate per scenario. I for one, usually add in another gate.

4. Is it funny?

Well, simply because that's the nature of my work and my outlook in life. Some things are unnecessary but I find them humorous. Some times its funny because its unnecessary, but you got to be tasteful about it. Someone nearby might make a funny noise, and I might laugh at it. It was neither true, kind nor necessary but I found it funny.

The woman who commenting on us? Not funny!! >.>

Anyhow, discretion and empathy is something you develop as you age. As kids we just went about and said whatever the hell we wanted and not gave a shit about what other thought because " Hey! Freedom of speech " right? If you get offended or triggered well, you are too sensitive and you just have to deal with it, right? If I can be a douche, then I will proceed to be. Its simply because when you lack empathy, it's just so easy to be one. I know some of you might start to fear speaking at all anymore. I mean, what's the point, right? When worrying if every single thing you say might deter people and render you unlikable.

But clearly, that's not the point of this. Some people believe that action speak louder than words. But a lot of the time words are responsible for influencing actions from others. Whether or not the actions are benevolent can be up to you. Think about what you're gonna say. Speak responsibly. Think before you speak!!

Dear readers/viewers...

Discretion is advised.