A future letter

I actually found this somewhere around facebook and so I was thinking of writing something about this or maybe a blogpost about it. I wasn't so sure at first and felt a little bit anxious to write about it until a friend of mine directly dm-med me and eventually challenged me to write it. Soo I did! :P ^_^.

This is sooooo not like me to write something like this out of in the open but come to think of it, maybe I should just go with it and let my heart opens up its doors sometimes. Who knows? Maybe someday, when I eventually found "The One" I could just let her read this.


Would that be sweet kan?
( habis la korang dalat diabetes la nanti baca post nie hahaha)

Soo, here goes...

Dear future wife, whoever and wherever you are atm kan..

I don't know if I met you already of if god will cross our paths sometime in the future. But I'm doing my best to live according to God's will, so I can't imagine who the girl is that he has aside for me. If you wish to know, life has been hard on me these days. I had to endure a lot of obstacles and thank god, with His Guidance, I am doing fine at the moment. Likewise, I hope you too are fine.

I know that you will be an amazing, strong-willed woman, so I'm kinda excited to grow with you in spiritual way. I pray that whatever difficult trials you are going through right now, Allah bless you with the faith and confidence to push through. I pray that Allah will kept you forever in his protection. Please don't waste your time and love for someone who don't appreciate it. :( I wanted you to know that you are very special and you should know that your heart and feelings doesn't deserved to be played by such people. It is very valuable and to be honest, it actually pains me to see you cry over someone who doesn't appreciate your love and efforts. Keep being strong on both mental and physical okay? Do dress nicely and don't forget to cover your aurat at all times alright? Heee ^_^

If you wish to know, I am currently working my heart and my mind ready for you. I often wonder why it has been so many years and yet I still haven't caught a glimpse of you. Maybe Allah knows that I'm not ready for you. At least not now. He probably knew that I wouldn't be able to give my 100% and that is definitely not fair to you. However, I kept praying day and night in hopes that I did meet you as soon as possible and I am currently putting my efforts at the moment, so please be patient. Wherever you are, if you are sad. I am truly sorry that I couldn't be there to comfort you in your problems but do remember 1 thing. Allah is always there to be with you. He is the best listener afterall ^_^

Deep down inside, I truly wish that you could be here whenever I felt down. It has been really hard without you and to be honest, I was quite upset that you seem to be taking a long time to appear in my life. :( Where have you been? Huwaaa~~~ :( Wherever you are, I really hope you are doing well. Despite all of these, I believe that Allah had planned the best for his people and I strongly hold on to that. I seem to kept repeating myself huh? I'm sorry.

All in all eventhough, I never met you now or did I? :O You should know that I missed you a lot and I promised I will make you the happiest woman and love you forever ^^. Bukankah itu tugas seorang suami? 😄 Even if it takes me 1000 years to met you, I'll promised Ill be here waiting. Soo till that day comes, please take good care of yourself, okay sayang? ^_^ hehehe

Judgemental & Slander

In our personal lives as well as on global scale, we face challenges that test our emotional mettle, injury, illness, unemployment, grief, divorce, death or even a new venture with an unknown future. Same goes for me. In my case, people around me are the problem.

People around you? 

Serious ah, Sam! Mesti ko ada buat silap mana-mana kan?

That would probably be the normal typical response when I didn't manage to fit myself into the crowd. Well, any crowd to be exact. Here at my place, I came to realise that I was surrounded by people who are too highly judgemental. From housemates, workmates and even among the managers. Lets just say all of them! One small mistake made, and then people will remember how bad you are and that kind of stuffs lasts for quite sometime. Annoying isn't it? Well that's life and life teaches you lots of stuffs.

To be perfectly honest, most of my mates viewed me as the mysterious guy who is really in his own little world. I would personally described myself as introvert. I don't really gather and talk much to others unless I was are asked to. You guys understand what I meant right? I felt that I would rather spend my free time reading books, do outdoor activities of my own and avoid interacting much with people because I felt that less people you know, less shitty stuffs that you will have to deal with later. As a result, they don't know a single thing about me, unless they tried coming at me and ask.

For example, there was this one time where I felt really sick and decided to go to the hospital by BUS ( kat sini diorang panggil bas lompat ) and I was ON MY OWN. I went there mainly because a few weird-white spots are visible on my back and I was so worried. It was so itchy to the point that I would use sharp objects to scratch my back. As a result there was scratch marks and it was unimaginably painful. I couldn't even sleep and let alone working for the next day. Even laying down or wearing regular T-shirt felt really hurt. It was for sure wasn't normal and I did everything from applying lotion to taking bath 10 times a day in hopes that it would all go away. 10 FREAKING TIMES!! How much water I wasted, only Allah knows. It was a painful experience and thanks goodness that I am okay now.

Oh, I forgot to mention to you guys that I am soo good at keeping secrets and other things under wraps. Even when I'm sick that day, nobody actually knew what happened despite living in a same house until they asked our work manager of what happened.

However, at some point I'm thinking, maybe there's something wrong with me and maybe I should change myself for others. But another strong ego side of me said that I don't really need to change who I really am. Why? By doing as such wouldn't it consider to be hypocrite? Don't you think its a torture that you had to fake your true behaviour just to fit in the crowd? I don't really want to be such person. I am me and if you don't like me, I'm perfectly fine. So yeah, this stuffs do clouded my sense of thinking at times but not much.

Its funny when I think about what those people judge me behind my back. I kept hearing slander from the mouth of others of how terrible person I am in terms of management since I'm the coordinator and stuffs, eventhough there's really nothing wrong with it. I am just doing my stuffs as the company wanted me to and there's still people who were not happy with it. Besides, those people who kept spreading slander of me are just jealous of how I am good in my current position and guess what? I am fully aware of their true intentions. Probably wanted to bring me down my ranks by spreading false rumours. I knew the person who did such thing but lets just hope karma/kifarah gets him well. What comes around, goes around after all, am I right?

Anyway, I really don't want to be that guy who badmouth others behind their backs but by writing it here would probably be the best way to release some of the stress that I have been feeling ever since I met these "wonderful" people. Like usual, I didn't really blame them for being that way. Instead, I tried to understand them as to why they would act as such.

Whenever, I come in contact with highly judgemental people I do my best to put myself in their shoes and understand why they behave the way they do and why they feel the need to point the finger at those around them.

You see, I really believe that underneath it all we are all good and kind and loving human beings but because of the many challenges that life sends our way and because of the many struggles that we all face made some of us became bitter and resentful. When that happened, we begin to project our own pain and suffering in the form of blame and judgement and criticism onto the world around us.

However, I felt that understanding them alone simply wasn't enough. In fact, it doesn't really help me in terms of anything at all.

Okay laaa~~ Maybe a little in terms of self improvement kot, but surely the fact I can't keep those haters poison-like mouth from spreading slander about me was still there and it probably wont stop until I was down. Let us all just hope, I kept being strong in overcoming these obstacles in life.

I need to be strong and I really hope I get stronger for more years to come ahead. Cheers! Don't forget to spead the love ^_^

In Relationship, There's Breakups

A few days back, a close friend of mine with her sad, soft, delicate voice contacted me, and told me how she need someone to hear her cry on her breakup story with her boyfriend. I was just finished working at that moment and had sometime to spare before packing my stuffs to go home and so I listened...

She said she suffered emotional pain ever since she knew she was no longer needed in his life after a year of relationship together. Thats a whole freaking year! and all those relationship building was broken within minutes.

At first, I was so quite surprised because to me, she was really fair, beautiful, smart and I would say, most guys would probably would fall for her characteristics on 1st sight, but too bad for her boyfriend, a beauty with loyalty wasn't enough for him. I am pretty much sure she give her all in her relationship but too bad, her boyfriend just found someone better. Turns out, he was two-timing her behind her back, which is baffling come to think of it. As a close friend, I felt devastated and enraged because personally I think she deserved better treatment considering her good qualities.

She had the worst feeling ever. The feeling of being unwanted, casts out by the person she holds dearly to. In any case personally to me, she was lucky as she wasn't in any proper relationship bond with him. If she was his fiancée or worst, his wife, she would probably be half insane to be treated as such. Ughh, I don't want to even imagine.

Despite what happened, she kept herself strong and believed that Allah is just. He knew what is best for her. She mumbled to me as she was grateful to Him for showing his true colours, and therefore, she was glad. It was really sad to hear her story, and imagining to be on her own shoes, makes it more heartshattering. I do give her some of my personal advice, as if I'm the best councellor (LOL) and try to comfort her as best as I can do as a friend. She was okay after sometime and pretty much still in " moving on " phase. Feels good to be contributed on something even though its a little kann.. got that hero feeling tho hahaha.

Oh well....

It was outrageous when you think of it of how fragile these relationships can be. A single word, a single sentences, a single wrong action, a single tiny mistake could all lead to breakups. At times, hearing all those breakups story my friends told me + the story on the internet, would really made me pray real hard so that I wouldn't never get to feel such emotional pain. To be completely honest, I remembered years ago when I was that dumb little boy who never gets into any relationship once said....

" Dealing with break ups situation isn't all that bad isn't it? I don't find any difficulty in moving on once you broke up with that person. Just delete his/her number and forget about the past, what's so hard about it anyway? "

Omg!! I can't even believed that I once said that *multiple facepalm*

But right now, I felt funny for saying that once a few years back during my uni days. Now I know dealing with it was never easy and seriously, when it hits me right in the face, I felt this uncontrollable urge of sadness that just engulfed me the whole day. Yeah, I guess emotional distress was the right word for it. I slept super late to the point like I only get like 3 hours of deep sleep and eventually woke up with dark circles in my eyes. My mates were the first the one to notice the " everyday " me and the " dark side you don't wanna see " me. Anyway, with those emotions taking over my brain at that morning, I went from being cheerful me to the point of being the most silent person you'll see! Ever! Nothing I did was right in that morning, not to mention it was raining heavily as if the sky reacts with my current situation. Eventually in afternoon, I decided to take a rest from work and leave the coordinator stuffs to my officemates. From that point on, I just went on reflecting and reflecting over and over...

It was soo weird to point that I reflected every single words, actions, judgement that I made just to find what flaws that I have done. It was always a bad habit of mine, to over analyse, over thinking, have insecurities to someone I deeply cared for. Not really sure whether doing as such is considered natural or anything but surely I did it was out of pure compassion and love over the other person.

But too bad the said person never did care....

I considered myself to be stupid and dumb for wasting my love and time to somebody who doesn't really care for me in any way. I was given false hope, thinking that I would actually get into an actual relationship of my own. I was given love " atas dasar kesian " by the first person I was attracted much to. I was deemed as a temporary place to release her stress over. I was treated as not being serious in expressing my feelings when I really did and I really mean it. I was being played. Perhaps to her I'm just pawns in a game.

Despite what happened, I never blame her. I blamed myself for it. Maybe I was incompetent. Maybe I didn't have the looks. Maybe its just not the right time yet, Maybe its the way, I converse with her , Maybe its my way of expressing my feelings. Maybe there are something wrong with me, that I couldn't ever notice on my own. Everyone has flaws and maybe my flaws were too high for someone like her. See how these overthinking affects me right now? It hurts a lot. It really really hurts, and to be honest, I was never prepared for such things.

However, if there's one thing that I am glad about, it is experience. In fact in my last Jodoh post, I did said I wanted to at least experience it hmmm, boy oh boy such torture. Couldnt take it anymore. Ughh. Anyway, experience teaches you and lets say I'll take this as a lesson so that I wouldn't carelessly do the same mistake twice.