Jodoh

Have you guys ever had this feeling where you are missing someone so much but you don't even know who that is? Have you ever had this inexplicable, unexplained, weird longing for somebody? Have you ever feel so isolated in your life that somehow your soul are spiritually yearning for a touch from someone? Yes? No?

Well, the reason that I asked such questions are because these past few days have been really hard for me. I have been sick for a couple of days and that is definitely bad news. Not only that, the workloads on my side have been piling up since I took a few days off to cool off my head, body and of course taking medicines along the way. I still caught a very bad cold and fever after taking like 6 pills of paracetamol and Geez! the medicines barely works. It took a few days to get my stamina back up and in those 2 days of "holiday". What do I do? Spending time on my bed, doing nothing but eat and sleep. Ughh! Boring af.

Whats interesting is that during those days, I overthink a lot, especially about my jodoh and my future. I was stricken by fear of not meeting a potential jodoh of my own in due time. I was scared to the thought of getting married when I reach my old days. I was engulfed with anxiety of losing someone who I treasure the most and those who I had struggles and hardships building a connection with. I got really worried that if my relationship with my potential jodoh doesn't work out so well considering I never had the chance to get into a relationship of my own during my teenage days, Therefore, no experience whatsoever. 

I never feel the pain of breaking up with someone, and as a result, I am terrified of not capable of handling it later in my life. I never experienced being treasured by someone else aside from my family. I never had any intimate talks with anybody ever. I never bought gifts or plan surprises like most couples do. I never ever been addressed sweet nicknames by anybody. Haih.. Sad life huh?

All of these.

I never experienced them. I wanted to tho.. soo bad :/

At some point, I felt.. unwanted. 

Haih, I guess maybe God loves me and doesn't want me to endure all those stuffs or perhaps because I am not ready or handle it well enough in my current state. Hmmmm..

Anyway, putting all the negativity aside, I never lose hope to Allah, berdo'a yang Dia sudah sediakan yang terbaik untuk hambaNya and in fact, I always cite this in my prayers and in my do'a everytime I finished solat.

Learnt it from my Ustazah

However, somewhere in myself, I deeply wished that such things would happened to me, even its for a short while (harap2 tak la kan). Then again when I think about it, if the love bring more harm than good, I would rather be single till the rest of my life, but hopefully I didn't laa kan. I wished myself the best. Heck, who don't want the best for everything in their life?

Come to think of it, I have been talking about jodoh for quite a few posts of mine like for example this one here. Geez, whats happening to me and I don't even know -_-. Its actually rare of me to speak stuff like this soo openly. Oh well anyway, I'm sorry if this emo post of mine is kinda out of the blue and looks more like a rant haha but indeed this is what I feel right now and I'm just getting it out of my chest. 

My Views On "Heathens"

Heya guys! Sup!?

I have been listening to this song titled "Heathens" by 21 pilots for quite sometime now and lets just say that I'm addicted to it hahaha. I have been singing the song for awhile, and something just triggers me to write about it. I was actually curious about the lyrics and lucky for you guys, I'll go in depth about it for today, I just felt like talking about the song. Well first things first, let us all know what Heathens means..

If you don't know about the song, then maybe you should give it a listen 1st. It might help going through to what am going to tell you later. Do pay attention to the lyrics...

21 pilots is an awesome band. They released Heathens in 2016 as part of the Suicide Squad soundtrack. Yeah, lagu tuu laaa haaa, Believe it or not, I never did get to watch the movie in the cinemas because workloads!! O_O ughh...
Okay moving on to the analysis..

The song is actually about the singer, Tyler Joseph's friends and how he wants his listener to treat them, but even more specifically it seems to be about how Tyler Joseph wants Christians to reach out and witness to people who aren't Christians. Yeah betul laa, kinda like berdakwah for Christians to none believers aka his friends aka The Heathens

He sings in his song " All my friends are Heathens take it slow, wait for them to ask you who you know ". It means he wants Christians to be careful about telling strangers about Jesus (PBUH) and instead to develop a relationship with them first. When singing about his friends, Joseph explains that they will never know the psychopath, murderer, freakshow sitting next to us, and this is because people hide their problems. They don't just opened up to strangers. Well duh! None of us do.

Hmmmmmm,... okay laa.. Well maybe some of us kot..

I know some people who do.. moving on.

and if Christians don't know the half of the abuse, how are they going to be able to effectively meets these people needs? Joseph also says that his friends don't deal with outsiders very well and that they can smell your intentions which begs the next question..

Why would Joseph friends listen to a Christian that they don't even know especially when it comes to big topics like eternity, afterlife and their own personal problems? Kinda out of place isn't it?

Thankfully, the solution comes in the chorus when Joseph sings " Take it slow, and wait for them to ask you who you know " and frankly people will only ask you who you know if they understand that you care about them. Macam peribahasa dulu-dulu, " no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care " It does also means he wants Christian listeners to be more careful around hurting people and to be wary of sounding like a Salesman when they promised that they can solve a person's life biggest problem especially since Joseph friends don't seem to respond very well to that kind of an approach.

But do you know whats the best part about the song? Joseph actually accept the listener into his group acknowledging the humble or ideal listener's willingness to take it slow and to admit to his or her own struggles.

Last part dalam lagu tu, Joseph sings " I tried to warn you just to stay away and now they are outside ready to bust, it looks like you might be one of us " The thing outside could be everybody's personal struggles or they could be Christians who want to take the time to know Joseph's friends. Either way, Heathens tells us the story of at least 1 person who is willing to take the time to know people and asks the rest of us to be willing to take it slow too.

Informative isn't it? Well at least now you know. I knew it has something to do with people with personal problems and of course religion-related, after all they were talking about the Heathens to begin with.

A Better Yesterday That Starts Today

From 2015 to 2016. Wow come to think of it, I have learnt a lot throughout the years, It really feels like its just been yesterday that I was still in high school and now I'm working my butt off 24/7, building my career, climbing slowly from lower ranks to the higher ups, and of course, never to forget finding potential life-partners *ehem-ehem* *cough heavily* first things first okay? Pfft..

Geez don't laugh. They said jodoh tak ke mana but its not like we can just rely on fate alone without making any real efforts for it betul tak? In Malay proverb, its like menunggu bulan jatuh ke riba in which the literal translation would be " waiting for moon to fall to your lap " simply meaning waiting for the impossible. Yeah, I know right? Malay proverbs are that weird but it does makes sense when you think of it hard enough.

Well, I'll be honest that I actually gave this love-experience-thingy a try because duh, nanti orang cakap tak ada pengalaman pulak and at least, you try to learn from your past mistakes and sooo on kan? tapi sadly enough, I lost the war and eventually came out heartbroken and getting rejected left and right. The pain is really unbearable especially when you couldn't get her out of your head every freaking time you woke up every morning. Its really soul-torturing to the point that it truly feels like being stabbed by hundreds of needles over and over constantly everyday of the week, Surely such pain is nothing compared to the poverty, famine and warfare in some parts of the world but comparing the degree of their pain to mine doesn't makes it any less better betul tak? 

In the end, pain is still pain, and it hurts the most especially when it involving emotions. Since human emotions are related to a person's thought process, the dreaded feeling just get multiplied over and over. In fact, its getting worse day by day for me since I'm the type of person who over-think a lot and not to mention, that I do listen to love songs from time to time and these things just came circulating like a race car in a race track circle. Haih, if only I could rewind time, I would have advised my past-self to just never ever try loving someone who doesn't give a damn about you. Tapi kan, if you never try, you never know. Experience teaches and as much as I hate to admit it, it was through pain. The pain through emotional distress. Right now, I fully understand that such pain exist for a reason,

But nevertheless, I constantly kept myself in an enormous amount of comfort in believing what Ustazah Maznah, my secondary school teacher, once said to me "When Allah puts you through His ordeals and tribulations, that means He misses your voice praying to Him. He misses listening to your plea" I guess my prayers are now the next best thing I could give her from a far right now.

In any case, this year was a year of both mischief and enjoyment for me but such things is actually fine by me. Truthfully, I learnt a lot and at the same time picked up an amount of good moral values and succeeded in implementing them within myself as well!

My close friends on the other hand, did realize how I have changed over the years. It goes..

From being high-tempered person to an expert in anger management control
From being impetuous in my speech to being wary and thoughtful before spouting words.
From super lazy to a little less lazy ( but still lazy tho ).
From being petty to a slightly open-minded person.
From unreliable to a more dependable person ( but not to the point of being a pushover )
From immature to mature in my works.
From being forgetful to a little bit alert on my surroundings
From impatient to a guy who always calm ( still working on it sebenarnya )
From not being on time to a guy who is punctual.
From being messy to a more organised person in life.
From looking sorrowful and glommy to an overall optimist ( not too optimistic )
and of course when any misfortune happen upon me, I tried to be positive together with sabar, usaha and tawakkal through all His ordeals and tribulations.

Theres lots! But the most important thing is from being an emo-boy to a more like happy-go-lucky type of person. In fact, I learnt that whatever you do around you, you have to be willing and joyous in 1st place. After that, anything that you do would be at ease. That's my secret I guess. Hehe.

Okay ah tu kan? Tepuk tangan ah sikit haha.

Uish! Macam tak ikhlas je :(. Okay la whatever la, who cares kan? Anyway, despite all the struggles I'm having right now, I am still able to smile. I am okay jangan risau. Its not like I'm going to do something stupid like suicide ke apa kan haha. Well, if that doesnt earn your trust then maybe this will...

Panjang sangat dah rambut tu

Hahaha, ignore my messy hair. I will probably get my haircut sooner or later. Thats just show how desperate I am to show you guys that I'm okay. Hehe.. Anyway, I do hope that whoever read this post, pray for me that I'll continue to be both strong mentally and physically in overcoming the struggles of life and in return I pray that everyone who reads this post be eternally showered with the blessings of Allah.

There! I feel soo much better now! Thanks for reading. Appreciate it lots!